But to be honest, it's been a weird transition.
I met with the Missions Pastor from my church last week, to share some stories from the field. One of the questions that he asked me was "What are you struggling with?".
Instead of answering that question, I kind of just diverted our conversation back in the direction of the things that I had seen while I was away, sharing how I had grown. Talking about the ways in which I had seen God at work, or even the dreams that He has given me for the future, rather than try to sort through the right now, was much less daunting.
Because to be honest, the "right now" in my life is a little bit blurry.
I saw God work in incredible ways this past year. I saw Him on the move and experienced JOY like I never have before. Pure joy, though there were hardships.
Purpose. I was seeking freedom for beautiful sisters, and I saw God bring it time and time again.
I was living out my faith and experiencing the Power of God in ways that I never had before.
But now being home, I find myself asking the question...what did I really see? That power, that freedom, that joy, that sense of mission...where is it?
God has been kind enough to meet me where I am at.
I heard the song " Buried in the Grave" by All Sons and Daughters, not long after I got home and I became slightly obsessed with it. I would play it on repeat while I lay in bed falling asleep just MISSING the amazing people I had met overseas... missing the crazy intimacy I had felt with God.
" Grace was in the tension, of everything we'd lost. Standing empty handed, shattered by the cross. All we had, all we had, was a promise like a thread. Holding us, keeping us, oh from fraying at the edge. All we know, all we know is you said you'd come again. You rose up from the grave. "
It made me think about the disciples, and how they must have felt as they literally saw Jesus, the son of God crucified on the cross.
Think about it a bit...they had walked from town to town with Him, watching Him perform miracle after miracle, hearing Him teach things blew their minds. They saw Him love in radical ways that literally CHANGED LIVES.
They saw proof that He was in fact God...and then they watched him die.
I wonder what the disciples and followers of Jesus were thinking in that moment, and in the hours to come. I wonder how they felt over the next couple days?
All they had was the knowledge of what they had seen him do in the past, and the hope of what He said about the future.
But I'm guessing they felt a little bit of this same weird feeling that I am walking through right now. This certainty of what they had seen, combined with the broken heart of acknowledging that nothing would ever be the same again.
But the thing is...Grace WAS in the tension of all that they lost...it's in the tension of this weird in-between season that I am walking through right now, and it's in whatever you are walking through as well. Perhaps you have seen God work in your life in incredible ways in the past, but you are in a different sort of season now.
KNOW that He is there, and wants you to persevere. (check out James 1). Because the thing is, in the lives of the disciples, the ones who walked with Jesus, He really did rise again.
And because of that, you and I can be completely certain that He WILL rise again in our own circumstances.
I heard a great quote the other day that reminded me of this very concept: "Honour the space between no longer, and not yet" (Nancy Levin)
I am choosing to honour this season and embrace the tension, because His grace is found...even there.